The right's collective abuse of American women

If you are starting to fall apart, you aren't alone...

*trigger warning-this post mentions sexual assault.*

So much is happening in this world and this country my brain feels like it is about to explode. My blood pressure is consistently higher than usual on a daily basis. My back is in knots every time I listen to another argument by Sam Alito or some asshole republican AG accusing doctors of lying about women having to be life flighted out of their state to get lifesaving healthcare.

Just this last week, the red court debated whether or not I’m a human worthy of medical care in a deadly situation. The handmaid states are actively trying to take away more and more of my humanity every. fucking. day. Initially it was rage… but I now see, its more than rage - its humiliation. The more they take, the more they show me I am not worthy of being a full human, the more the humiliation sets in. And the more I process it, the more I see that this humiliation is a form of abuse; and in this case - collective abuse. The only thing I can compare it to is the feeling of being assaulted. Of being stripped of my humanity and violently forced into submission by someone who is hell bent on proving I am worthless.. less than human.. because I am a woman. And if the assault on our humanity by lawmakers isn’t awful enough, the inundation of online misogyny is more rampant than ever. All of this, is borderline too much to take. Maybe its not just borderline… maybe its just too much to take. Period.

In recent months I have been simultaneously navigating a new relationship with a wonderful man with 2 lovely teen kiddos (All 3 of which I love very very much) while trying to process the current state of American democracy and the right’s relentless attack on women’s and LGTBQ rights. Admittedly, it hasn’t been easy. If you’ve survived abuse or assault you know how hard it is to be able to trust again. You know that the trauma inflicted will never fully go away and that sometimes it will rear its ugly head in moments of angst, sometimes completely out of nowhere. Sometimes, the ptsd makes you lash out at people you love-in a way that I can only assume is a projection of your trauma and anger upon innocent bystanders. My partner, who has been nothing but supportive, has unfortunately been unfairly on the receiving end of such lashings. It has caused some problems for us, I hate to admit that. And I hate to admit that I cannot withstand everything that is happening even with an arsenal of love and support. And I can admit that I am starting to fall apart.

And if I am falling apart, how is everyone else doing?

I have felt this past year that the assault on our rights has been digging up that ptsd more than I would have ever expected. Maybe, being an empath, I feel too much. I mean, I will never have children, but hearing horror story after horror story about pregnant women being denied care and in result facing dire consequences makes my body physically experience the rage and humiliation I felt when being assaulted. The feeling of helplessness. The reminder that you are less than human. The rage you feel when you watch the handmaid’s tale. That is the abuse that the GOP is inflicting upon American women.

Whoosh.

Wow.. ok. When I first imagined this post, it was going to be something completely different than what it has turned out to be. I was going to write about the difficulty of being an endurance athlete and how the pain and suffering it takes to complete a race brings about the most incredible reward- the knowledge that you did something most people can’t do or would never even try to do. That the pain and suffering you feel leads to something beautiful- a feeling of strength and power. The polar opposite of how the GOP and their ghoulish laws are making us feel. And how that all equates to our current struggle- fighting the nonstop GOP assault and how we can and will win in 2024. But alas, just processing the darkness of the current reality is demoralizing, and I apologize if this post comes off like a therapy session. I guess in a way it kinda is, but it’s also a reminder that we aren’t alone. Because I know we are all feeling this right now.

When I’m not feeling so beaten down by the red court’s horrible week of arguments, I’ll get to writing about bike racing, because its awesome and I fucking miss it. These days it just seems so strange to even consider doing what I used to do. Riding 40 miles is hard enough right now, but knocking out an off-road 100 miler seems almost impossible in this current moment. The good news is, I know I can do it, because I’ve done it before. I’ve survived assault and I can do it again. Together, we can survive their assault on all of us. And beyond that, we will use this collective rage to win.

Much love to everyone struggling right now. I promise the next post will be more F-bombed and firey as they usually are. And I’ll leave you with this picture finishing in the top 10 women of the Dirty Kanza 100 gravel race. One of the coolest things I’ve ever done. (and yes, those are boys behind me ;)